Famine #55: Empty Eyes (WeWriWa & Sunday Snippets)

Welcome back, friends and followers, for another Weekend Writing Warriors & Sunday Snippets sampling from Famine. The second read-thru is complete and now the notes and fixes need to go in, then it’s off to the editor. In the meantime, random scene selection came up with this horrific moment.

Bartholomew (the aesir, for those of you unfamiliar with this story) was visiting a brothel when one of the prostitutes was attacked by a patron.

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ByteStudio Photography; Jacob Cartwright

ByteStudio Photography; Jacob Cartwright

Another scream accompanied the percussion of feet upon the stairs, and Bartholomew barreled through the wooden door like it was made of twigs.

There was Kelly. Her pale breasts were bloody. There was a serrated knife. There was a man with white hair and empty eyes.

The aesirย loathed the ones with empty eyes. He inhaled the womanโ€™s fear and exhaled rage.

Without a word, the man produced a second knife from his waistband and lunged at Bartholomew.

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Ugh, I hate that guy, and this scene makes me sad. Sometimes writers are the cruelest people.

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Check out the other Sunday Snippets and WeWriWa posts. Doubtless many of them are cheerier than mine today.

  • I like how you used short sentences to accelerate the action.

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Thanks, Linda. That’s a little technique my mom taught me. (She’s also an author.)

  • I love the description of Bartholomew breaking the door down and the image of Kelly is very vivid. One small query though ( which is probably down to it being a snippet) but whose perspective are we supposed to be seeing this from? The first sentence feels like it’s from Kelly’s POV but the rest are most definitely from Bartholomew’s.

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      We’re in Bartholomew’s POV, here. Prior to these eight, he’d been striding down the hall, trying to figure out which door to bust down. (I think the confusion is due to it being mid-action.) Thanks for asking, Kizzia!

  • Must be hard to write for a character that you hate. But at least you get to enjoy doing horrible things to him when the time comes ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Why else write evil, nasty characters, Goran? Believe me, this Dbag gets a full serving of Bartholomew’s vengeance. And, yes, I enjoyed every moment of it. ๐Ÿ˜€

  • ldsmith1818

    Great job! I really both see and feel the action in this snippet as if I’m physically standing there watching.

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Woot! That’s what I was going for. Thanks, LD.

  • daezarkian

    Can I say Yikes? Yikes. Good stuff!

  • Gah. I want this one. Hurry.

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      LOL! I adore you, Eleri, but you *know* I’m not a fast writer. Good things come to those who wait, right? Right? ๐Ÿ˜€

  • This goes straight to the action from the first sentence. Too bad it had to end just as the man was lunging at Bartholomew. Nice 8!

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Perhaps I’ll post a little bit o’ the fisticuffs next week, Frank. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thanks!

  • historysleuth1

    Great snippet! I don’t doubt what Bartholomew is going to do about it! ๐Ÿ™‚
    History Sleuth’s Milk Carton Murders

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Heh, it’s gonna get real ugly, real fast. ;D

  • Nan

    Wow! What a scene! Love the imagery in ” He inhaled the womanโ€™s fear and exhaled rage.” That’s wonderful!

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Thanks, Nan. It’s all about emotions, right?

  • Susan Deborah Schiller

    Ah, I can learn a lot from your short sentences!!! Great action scene, and I love the discussion on your story. I do believe fear can be inhaled… great writing!

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Thank you, Susan. ๐Ÿ˜€ I agree; emotions are infectious — the good and the bad.

  • I’m counting on Batholomew here. Very dramatic scene, excellent excerpt!

  • Nice action scene. I could feel the tension.

  • Holy crap! Fabulous scene. You have a gift, Monica. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Aw, thanks, Karysa! You made my day. ๐Ÿ˜€

  • Horrible–excellent writing.

  • Intense and hard to read. You’re right, writers can be cruel. ๐Ÿ™‚ I loved how each sentence built on the tension of the one before.

  • The scary guy with the knife is about to get what’s coming to him! Great tension!

  • I love the words you use, such wonderful expressions! That picture gave me the creeps though, very fitting!

  • siobhanmuir

    Wow, tense scene, and yeah, so sad. Nicely done, Monica. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • What a cliffhanger to leave us on!

  • Oh that poor girl. I hope Bartholomew is going to give this guy what he deserves.

    • Monica Enderle Pierce

      Not to worry, Bartholomew’s excels in doling out revenge. Thanks for stopping by!

  • Pingback: Famine #56: Retribution | Stalking Fiction: Monica Enderle Pierce()

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